I remember the first time I ever held a baby.
I was 7 years old. Mom said we were finally big enough, the baby and me. I patiently waited for the weekend anticipating the moment that I would get to hold a baby.
I remember being afraid I was going to drop her. They sat me down in a kitchen chair in the middle of the dark kitchen although the sun burned bright outside in the Mississippi summer heat. Someone handed her to me, and I sat there, holding her in my lap, “grinnin’ like a opossum” as we say in the South.
This is one of those rare memories that I can close my eyes and still see the details as if it were yesterday.
From that moment, I knew. This is what I was made for. Even as a little 7 year old girl, I knew “mothering” was my purpose. God whispered it deep down into my soul.
But even a little 7 year old quickly learns that “mommy” is not the expected answer to the question we are asked repeatedly during our childhood and adolescent years: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Depending on my age, answers ranged from teacher to pediatrician to neonatologist. On a youth retreat in the 8th grade, I surrendered to full-time ministry at the same camp that 8 years later, God would use to shape my final career choices as I served on staff there. Ultimately, I ended up with a Bachelor’s in Elementary Education and a Master’s in Marriage and Family Counseling.
I firmly believed God called me to both of those educational pursuits, but in the background of it all, that small voice still whispered that I was created to be a mommy.
However, I was not a mommy yet. I was married, but we agreed to put children on hold until we both finished our graduate work.
Then the stick turned blue.
Suddenly, I was a mother, and everything changed. The whisper was getting louder. Becoming more of a reality. I was in graduate school at the time, and God graciously paved a way for me to graduate on time despite having a baby in the middle of my final semester.
Then we began to make preparations to move home, and the question lingering in the back of my mind was spoken out loud:
Should I work or stay home?
We always said I would stay home, but there in the moment of financial uncertainty and 3,500 necessary supervised hours to obtain my license in professional counseling, the answer was unclear. We decided that I would put out some resumes, and if I got a job offer, that would be our answer.
Quickly, I was in the midst of interviewing for a part-time Children’s Ministry position. All signs indicated this was the perfect job for me, and it was mine if I wanted it.
Until it wasn’t.
Just as suddenly as the job opportunity appeared, it vanished. Leaving me heartbroken and uncertain.
Through that interview process, I was introduced to the owner of a private counseling center. It seemed liked God was using the loss of the Children’s Ministry job to open the door to another job. It seemed like the perfect fit:
Licensure for supervision included
Working only when my son was at Parent’s Morning Out
So I took it. It was perfect, right?
Until it wasn’t.
My limited hours led to a small number of clients. To increase my case load, I took on additional hours in the afternoon and hired a babysitter. Eventually I was seeing 12 clients a week and consequentially, was away from my son for two full days per week until late in the evening.
This works for some moms, but it was not working for me. I was frustrated. What was I doing? What was God doing?
In the midst of a prayer retreat, I voiced my frustration to God, asking Him to help me trust Him with my career. Moments later, I was filled with peace because God had spoken.
Quit. Just quit.
Stay home with your son. Be a mommy. That’s what I created you to be.
The peace lasted about a day before the fear crept in.
What will people say? Words floated in my head: wasting your gifts, ungrateful, a disappointment, lazy.
Again, God spoke peace into my heart: Stop trying to please man. Focus on pleasing Me. You are enough in Me.
Despite my fears, I knew that same small voice I heard as a little girl was beckoning me to come and rest in who He made me to be. The choice was easy.
I said no to pleasing man and yes to pleasing God. <—Like it? Tweet it!
It’s the living it out that’s hard.
{I wrote this post 3 months ago but never published it. I’m still in the process of becoming a full-time stay at home mom, but I’m at complete peace with my work schedule. It’s as if simply making that commitment to work towards that goal and facing those fears lifted a burden. Once again, God is faithful.}
What difficult changes have you had to make in order to be obedient to God?
What fears did you face in doing so? Let’s chat in the comments!
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