I’m just going to be honest here. Today was a hard day. Totally not fine.
It’s funny how I hear God speak to me…crystal clear. I step out in faith, following His leading with absolute peace about my decision. Excited even.
Then one conversation from someone I love and respect brings it all–my confidence, excitement, peace—crashing down.
Resulting in shouting, defensiveness, the ugly cry.
Those same ones I just talked about last week–creeping back in to rear their ugly heads.
The good girl in me says that I should deal with this on my own. She even says that to seek out someone else to help me process my thoughts and feelings would be to depend on someone other than God.
Initially I listen to her.
I sit in my car and cry. Allowing my thoughts to run wild. Giving in. Second guessing everything I thought I knew for certain.
But God knew better than that good girl in me.
By His grace, my husband called and bless his heart, he just listened! He listened to my ugly cry, my jumbled words, my fear. He listened. He did not try to fix. His only words: “I’m sorry.”
At home, beginning to regain my center, God gently reminded me of what I already knew. He reaffirmed His leading in my life.
However, I still felt the need to process. The need to talk it out with a trusted friend. But I resisted. Fearful. What if she agrees with him?
I read those words this afternoon–when I needed to hear them. When I needed to act on them.
So I called a close friend, and she did not answer–again with the doubts and fears. The lies in my head telling me I should not tell her the truth. The good girl, got it all together, reputation will be tarnished.
Later in the evening she texts me. I tell her everything is fine. She persists. I tell her in one sentence what happened and that I will call later.
I finally call her. And even then I attempt to take a chance to back out of the conversation when her baby starts crying. But she settles the baby and stays on the line, and I tell her the whole truth–what happened today, my poor response, my real, honest feelings about the whole issue–which is much larger than just today. Again, like my husband, she just listened. She offered empathy and understanding but no judgment. The phone call ended with her giving me some sound suggestions for handling the situation. Our friendship deepened through a moment of shared honesty.
I had no reason to fear being open and honest when following God’s leading to share with someone who deserves genuine.
I needed to write this to finish processing the day. But I wonder about you…
Do you allow one person’s words to send you into a complete tailspin of doubt? Do you fear showing someone the real you? That you don’t have it all together? Admitting that you have doubts? Do you have someone in your life who deserves genuine? How do you know when you find that sort of friend?
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Photo Credit: Emiliano Horcada